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Blah. Blah. Blah.

I hate when it rains for days, and all i wanna do is go out. I don't like wet weather lately.
It makes everything seem so blah!
All i wanna do is go home and wrap up in a warm blanket. Yet as crazy as it sounds im not too sure if i have a home.. Something i suppose i'll find out when i'm off work. It just makes me feel worthless that my own mother simply can't find it in her to believe me when i say i didnt do or take something that has either gone missing or has been out of her posession.
I find that these are the reasons that i left, and maybe these are the reasons i should stay living with nicole and mark. Drug house. broke asses. living off they're family and friends.
seems as though this is just a Lovely enviroment for myself to be in.
My sister tells me today she's going to do everything in her power to keep me out of 'her' house; and then hours later she finds herself short 60 dollars. I somehow doubt thats just a coincidence.. I doubt that my mother truly feels that it was me. i doubt that me going home is an option now. Thank-you angela. You win. I'm gone and i'll stay gone.

Its funny how you think that you know people. Family. friends. How you think that they care for you; respect you and love you.. When in all reality - they simply don't.
They could care less. Simple yet mind blowing i suppose.
This is all just meaningless words. Everything anyone has ever said to me; has been nothing but empty. Broken. meaningless words. So very intriguing how life seems to slap you in the
face no matter which way you turn.

I wanna crawl in a dark hole and reside there until my life comes to an end. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry till my body runs out of water. till my body runs out of everything. I get one week. One good. amazing. week. and then i'm right back to where i started. Getting shit on no matter where i go..
I suppose this is life.
but.. there doesn't seem to be a point to mine anymore.

Enough of this blah. Bull. Shit. I must get back to work.. Work. eat. breathe. sleep.


Wow. its been quite some time since i was on here. Its kinda strange reading all my crazy posts and my self ritious feelings. i should simply delete this. ha. nobody ever comes on here anymore. :P i always say that, but doing it seems too hard. 3-4 years of me is on here.
crazy. crazy. crazy.

don't mind me; im damn foolish.

maybe im wrong.
maybe im just fuckin wrong.
But i think its funny. im nothing to you half the time. nothing.
you could spend hours on top of hours; and day after day with them;
and im only good enough for an hour and a half lunch.
you've always been this way.
Always wanted so much from them - needed your time with them.
But what about the girl you 'love'?
I just get pushed and pushed until theres nothing left for me to say.
nothing more that i can do.
I love you, and need you. want you.
and you just think im bulletproof.
beat me down; make me feel small.
talk me down; make you look good.



you just never seize to amaze me.
everything is MY fault. yet i don't recal ever holding a gun to your head and telling you to get so fucking drunk that all you slurr out is shit. non-sense.
I don't think i held a knife to your throat and told you to phone me and make me look like a fucking loser. like i was the one who insinuated a fight.
i hope that your proud; because you won this ridiculous war with me.
you win kaylin. you win the joy of knowing that your more of a child than tyler could ever be. that your gonna be 19 and me; a 17 year old, can determine when to stop drowning her pitty with booze.
you act like you know so fucking much. that your such a big girl now.
oh but i forgot, you have your life all set.
Booze; weed; fucking crack - thee bro's.

wow. how do you sleep at night? how can you look at yourself in the mirror;
knowing that the only girl who could; will. ever put up with your shit is giving up.

heres my white flag kenny.

like you said; it was good while it lasted.

la la la; <3

Its nice to know that i have people in my life who love me;
thank you Kenzie <3 =]
I had a wonderful time today/tonight.
You're an amazing friend! <33
you actually care about my feelings and my well being,
I know that you're always going to be here for me =]

I hope i get to see ya tomorrow.
It'd be nice to see you and have a decent conversation;
rather than. small talk. and stoner. conversations.
i miss ya.

do you regret; ever holdin' my hand. . .

I am no longer waiting around for you.
you wanna be friends; thats fine.
But im going to go out, meet people and try to fucking move on.
Im tired of spending my time telling you that im okay with anything
thats going on between us; when im not. ='[
I can't live life this way anymore.
waiting for someone who has no intentions of ever being with me again.
sitting around dwelling, wondering. waiting.
we can be friends.
but please don't expect me to be here in two years when you feel like
being my girlfriend again.
I will be whatever it is that you need right now.
a friend. a person you talk to.
i still care about you. if you need me. im here.

im not a game. you went from being one way with me.

and now were back to where we started.

so this is the choice you've made.

this is the choice you want.


good night.
what if life had a rewind button,
what if a person could go back in time and take back choices they've made
in their life that only lead to consequences.
i wonder if we'd learn anything.
maybe we would just continue to make that same choice.
yet maybe it would do us good.
i guess we'll never know.
- - - - sometimes when im laying in bed, or sitting alone; i think.
i reflect.
some could call it dwelling.
but i just think of it as lifting a weight.
any weight.
off my shoulders.
I think of my past decisions, my past relationships.
my choices in life. my mistakes. my greatest accomplishments.
i think of good days, and bad days. I think of.. my life.
Being a kid, not having to worry about a thing.
To growing up, and day after day you have to learn how to be a better person,
or you don't.
I guess that part depends on the person.
either way; each negative thing that god throws at you,
either makes or breaks you.
the choice is really only yours.

I have only ever looked at my life as something thats falling apart.
when i look in the mirror all i see is a weak, broke down girl who has had nothing in her life but shit;
violated, heart broken, no education. no future.
Disfunctional home life, no friends. No family.
Parents; sister, midaswell not be around. alive.
drivers ed drop out, no hobbies.
spent three years in high school smoking pot, skipping school, failing.
only to walk around expecting herself to be proud to say she has 1/2 her gr.10. shit job; no money to have a life.
Not getting into school this year.
won't graduate till she's 21-22.
has no one to wake up for. no one to make her proud to be alive.
No one to hold her. comfort her.
left in the dark to fight for herself.
pick up the shattered pieces of her life.
my mind is beyond over worked. my brain's begining to shut the fuck down.

blah blah blah eh?

Im sorry i called you tonight.
i don't know why i did,
But i often find myself dialing your number. especially at night.
honestly, sometimes i don't even know im doing it.
i hung up. i regret it, but i did. i hung up.

today was weird.

you were weird.

i was weird.

everything was weird.

i felt like someone else was supposed to be in my place today.

like i wasn't supposed to be me, someone else was. but not me.

i feel like. another person.

its weird, i can see and feel myself doing things;

and i know that im doing them.

i just. don't feel like me at all.

tingly and awake, yet so tired. i'm feeling things that i've never felt

before. emotions. the feeling of things. thoughts.

fucked up thoughts.

and i want sleep. but this person. this someone.. they won't let me.

i need help.

whats wrong with me?

I feel like fucking death.
maybe if my heart stops beating this wont hurt so much ='[
Maybe if i run to the farthest city, town, whatever.
I won't miss you. or think of you. or love you anymore. Maybe?
I just don't know what to do anymore.
seems like no matter what i do, and what i say.
you're always going to wanna be without me ='[
the one person who i thought loved me; always and forever,
just left.
abandoned me.
did you mean it when you said forever and never?
did you mean it when you told me that that that you loved me?
All i hear in my head; is the two months you said you didnt. ='[
its all i hear. </33 i still love you. i still want to spend all my time with you. grow fucking old with you. the feelings wont go away!! i wanna be numb again ='[ </3333 IM SORRY IM FUCKED UP!! =[ Im sorry <33

Good thing my heart is numb.

You've given me alot to think about already...