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Jul. 24th, 2009

I'll drink this shit away. i'll drink everyones shit away.

something big come hit me, and be fuckin done with it.

give everyone a reason to miss me. love me.

I wanna get fucked up!!!!!!!!

I don't mean to make you feel whatever. stupid. whatever.
But practically everytime you go out; something bad happens.
or at least nothing good.
You say you won't get drunk. Your the babysitter.
But thats what you said last time pyro had a b-day party.
I trust you. In the sense that you can be smart. and you know how to make
good choices.
I also know that YOU don't always give YOURSELF that credit.
You think that you deserve to be fucked up all the time.
that its what your worth.
that you don't have the power to say no. or to know when to stop.
I know you better than that.
I've seen you be and do better than that.
I never meant to make you upset.
I just worry that someday something bad is going to happen to you;
and how is that going to make the people around you who love you.. Feel.
You were sooo mad at me when you found out what i did.
I mean; maybe you don't do what i did.
But you walk from your house to the hood and back. drunk.
you got out on albert and aren't aware of how you got home.
You do silly things, and those silly things are, one day. Gonna come back
to slap you in the face.
Trust me. i know.

You can get mad and you can think im wrong.

and maybe i am.

But i just don't see how you think your right.

How you think its okay for you to call me; screaming at me calling me all
these rude names, for a mistake that i've learned from.
and i can't tell you that im worried. constantly?

Maybe im being selfish. Maybe im being whatever.

i just can't imagine what i would do if i were to find out you were

dead somewhere in a ditch. clothes off. beat up. whatever.




You know that i could have died. that i was being a fucking idiot when i did
what i did.
But i just.. ugh! your not so perfect kenny!! ='[ ='[ ='[


i guess the only way you'll realize how i feel is if i do whatever it is you

do. Maybe then you'll get what its like?








I'm goin' out.

I can't fucking be in this house anymore. I can't sit here with this.

i can't even explain this feeling.






I feel weak because i can't take care of you.





because you don't care about my feelings anymore.



Weak because i need a god damn drink.

im a fucking loser.

I'm sorry if you feel like that;
or if you think that i feel like that.
I just want to spend time with someone; i would prefer
it if that someone was you, But i just don't really wanna be alone.
I told you that i felt as if these were the reasons you were spending time
with me, and you told me no.
Im starting to think that was a lie.
I don't need you.
i don't need you to be my punching bag or my shield; my protection.
I don't need you to hold my hand through this,
to make me stronger. To make me feel better.
I don't need you to kiss me; and hold me, and tell me you love me.
All in high hopes that i'll feel better.
nothing in the fucking world could make me feel better right now;
not even you kaylin.
You destract me; like work would, a friend would, shopping, anything.
You. make. it. go. away.

I was a fucking idiot for telling you; for expecting you to

spend all this time with me ='[

I'm a fucking idiot okay!!

You don't have to do anything anymore,

please, if you don't want to. just don't.

i didn't know you felt that way; and thought that way,


I trust you, is all. I was always close with you.

I can tell you anything and everything.

Maybe i rely on you too much ='[


Im so sorry! =[
Oh my dear;

you make even the worst things in my life seem so small. <3

thank you for such a wonderful evening,

i apreciate you coming over and spending some time with me. =]

I know you didnt have to; and yet you still did.

So thank you. again.

You just. make me feel. so safe. when your. around. <333

I had even forgotten for a little while.





La la la;


Work tomorrow =[

i'm just gonna sleep till 4:20 then wake up and go.

i is in no mood to be getting ready for no one.

no no no no. one.



these pills make me sleepy; then awake, then sketchy, then

after 3 hours of mood changes, being hot then cold.

High and loopy.

I finally get to sweat

the fuckers out!





i need new friends ='[






*hears a noise*


its all in my head; its all in my head; its all in my head!!

I WANNA VOMIT!!

*throws up*


i hate these pills.

i fucking hate them.

Blah </3

Fuck you!!

i used to ask you alll the time to fucking go for walks with me!

And you would say yes only to shut me up.

Was i not good enough to walk with?

Did you not wanna walk with me? ='[

Only saundra and all your other friends are right?

Not me; them.


Im tired of not being good enough for you.

Sick and fucking tired.

='[ </33333333333333 Have a lovely fucking walk.

your way too pretty for me.

She said all these wonderful; sweet, things to me.
And they made me feel better if for a moment.
Only because i feel the same way; and thought she didnt.
But she finally said it.
Yet; if she means all these things, why does it seem
like she's making no effort to be better for HER.
to be happy with kenny. and to make kenny whatever kenny needs to be.
It just seems like she's havin fun; with the drinkin and the drugs.
sigh,
call it selfish; but i honestly just want my baby back.
i don't want some new kenny who is .. different.
i want the kenny i fell in love with; and the kenny i remember. </33 Today was just too lovely. i tried not to be sad, and i tried not to think of shit. but just staring at her. staring at her beautiful eyes, and her perfect smile, her lips. everything. makes me fucking miss her even when she's right there, LE fucking SIGH. I feel like shit. I feel like complete fucking shit. I want a huge plane to crash into my house. land on me. blah. Fuck she's beautiful. sometimes i think that she's too pretty for me. too good for me. too smart for me. too damn beautiful. i miss you ='[ </3333333333 i wish i could lay wiff you; watch movies. kiss you. hold you. please? ='[

Let me be the one who calls you baby' <3

Right now i could be calling you baby;

right now i could be counting the hours till i see you.

Wishing i was with you.

I could still call you fucking baby.

I could still fall sleeps with you; wake up the same way.

Right now i could be warm in your arms.

Right now i could be holding your hand; and kissing your cheek.

Wishing i was with you.

I could still call you my love.

I could still touch you; love you; take care of you.

Right now i could feel safe, whole, and worth your love.

if i wasn't such a fuckin loser.

klfjkajflkjakljfklFUCKkjkljafgjakjgka

im tired of living. feeling. knowing. im tired of breathing. hurting. crying.

x

missin' you like crazy.

sigh.

i is writing you a letter.

tis my good bye ='[